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I still am a great pretender, Pretending that ev'ryrhing's swell. I've lied so much that I've lost touch. Why's that make me a ne'er-do-well? Now they've learned I'm a great decider, Deciding to not mend my ways. McClellan's gone but we'll soldier on Though his bumbling sure made my days. He tried to conceal what we leaked to reveal, Like CIA secrets might be some big deal. And now as The Great Decider I've decided that Rummy's my man. His success in Iraq rates a pat on the back, Then more fame in the Fall when we nuke Iran And Rove's polls show I need a game plan.
Music & Original Lyrics by Buck Ram To 'Bushie's Rummy' |
A fine whitewash – We're not guilty. Abuse? Hogwash! Some mild grilling, Teaming the top brass in charge With jailers we've left at large – Who wants by guess and by gosh? Some deceased? Most incidental. Heads creased? Quite accidental. Playing by Bush's new rules, A few improvised their own tools, How did they get press released? No stone unturned, Or looked under. No brass burned Or cast asunder. John Warner's been left in the lurch While we still abuse the strip-search. It's a privilege that Bush says we've earned.
Music by Jerome Kern |
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There's Rummy and the Vatican – What's their excuse? What were their policies about abuse? Some say they hadn't one but, who was in charge While those abusers all remained at large? Will they give the credit for it to a higher-up? Or claim no knowledge about who made it up? It seems to most of us that either way They are the ones who should be made to pay, Like yesterday.
Music by W. Benton Overstreet |
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Whatever Rummy wants, Rummy gets, And reservists, Uncle Rummy wants you. He finally finds he needs more vets To save his tush; To die for Bush; What's new? Kamikaze's Rummy's name for What his Pentagon Says you're fair game for. What happens when he gets your regrets And, what well might steal his show, civil war? How can he take you guys for fools When you've fought in Iraq's Kabuls? You saw! You saw! You saw!
Music & Original Lyric by Richard Adler & Jerry Ross |
Will Rummy share his Christmas dinner with troops whose murder he still backs, Or declare himself the winner for courage they can see he lacks. Masquerading as a leader, he assures them all is jake, But cancels visits to Falluja. "I might get shot at, heavens sake! "Bush said, 'Go with what you've got.' Nothing's perfect. This is war. Who knew armor was essential? It's my job you're fighting for. "If I weren't here, can you imagine who'd be Bush's surrogate? Maybe Romeo Gonzales, a guy you'll need to learn to hate. "With me it's easy; no one likes me. They say I'm senile, past my prime. I'd be glad to take more questions, but have to leave; it's my naptime." Bob Carlson |
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Congress cries salty tears, "Where have we been all these years? Pentagon – Little Don – How long have we let this go on? "First The Post; then The Times – That's how we uncover Rummy's crimes. First makes wise; then makes spies – How long can we let this go on? "This pat hand that we are being dealt Borders on the absurd. Now we know how Wendell Willkie felt Watching FDR win his third. "Nine eleven come and goes – Boykin now decides who knows? Watch your butt; this guys a nut. This is just his latest con – How can we let this 'stuff' go on?"
Music by George Gershwin To 'Bushie's Rummy' |
He claims it's your style, not your substance, that so many have come to despise. But frankly we find it a tossup as to which should win that booby prize. Compassionate? Yes, according to Bush, since you kill just a few at a time. Comapassionate? No, because going to war unprepared is a heinous and horrible crime. But as you belatedly add to the fray, you're killing our boys even faster, While if you'd deployed enough at the start you might have avoided disaster. And might have forestalled at least one civil war that your idiot boss is fomenting, The one in Iraq, not the one here at home, with debacles that he keeps inventing. But the style and extent of your bungling has left us with one very scary assumption: The reason your butt has not yet been fired is that Junior is lacking the gumption. Bob Carlson |
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Evidently Bush dodged it – In the Guard un-presidentially hodgepodged it – If he'd been a skier, he'd have ski lodged it. Bush dodged the draft. John Ashcroft it – Typically he simply dummkopfed it – And seven times he scoffed off it. He goof-offed the draft. While fighting Vietnamese, Kerry was a hero we know – While Cheney's five pleas worried, why should he have to go? Rummy tried hard and just missed it – Wolfowitz and Perle chose to limp wrist it – Antagonistic Dougie Feith just dissed it – These Bolshevists resisted the draft.
Music by Cole Porter |
Bombs explode! Did you listen? That's my home I'll be missin'. What a horrible sight! There's no end to this fight, Returning to Falluja's Rummyland. Gone away are the few birds. Blown away any new birds. Ev'ry thing has gone wrong; Rummy's been too headstrong Laying waste Falluja's Rummyland. He will brag that he is now the lawman Now that he has shut our city down. He'll ask, "Are you bombers?" We'll say, "No, man! But we can do the job while you're in town." Later on he'll retire Retreating from our fire. For this mess that he's made We'll beat Bush's crusade, Returning to Falluja's Rummyland.
Music by Felix Bernard To 'Fallujah 101 - A History Lesson' |
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Golly, Gee Willikers Bush, what a mess your trusted advisors have made. Those poor little kids in your privatized schools are unable to read at their grade. In two thousand and one you proclaimed that the "cornerstone of my [wonderful] administration" Was "No Child Left Behind", a key plank of which would be charter school privatization. But golly, Gee Willikers, what the hell happened? Their scores are apparently worse. Like that war in Iraq and the net loss of jobs, are you laboring under a curse? Was it Katherine Harris, Judge Sanders-Saul, or your nanny-of-choice, Karen Hughes? Or Rummy-the-Dummy, Wolfowitz-of-Arabia, or Abu-Ghraib-Ashcroft's abuse? Nothing seems to go right, though you came to the fight knowing little or nothing at all. Your slate was so clean that few had forseen you could touch much less handle the ball. But you did, and fouled out, not just once or twice, yet they're always restarting the game. Your advisors are wrong. As we've said all along, you couldn't be solely to blame. Bob Carlson |
Goodnight, Rummy, You knew less than Tenet – Goodnight, Rummy, Yet you conned the Senate – With more spies than Tenet controlled Why weren't we told You were beholden to Ahmed Chalabi? Goodnight, Rummy, Busy with downsizing – Goodnight, Rummy, Busy brutalizing – You put too few troops on the ground, Those weapons weren't found, And you're still around? Goodnight, Rummy, Goodby.
Music by Ray Noble |
Homophobic Rummy neocons Can't translate Osama's bring-'em-ons. Arabic's not in their lexicons. The Pentagon's still fooling around. They fired out-of-the-closet Arab gays, Twenty, who could understand each phrase, And maybe help forestall more 9/11 days The Pentagon's fooling around. You can tell all those rubes To forget their Jiffy Lubes, That a guy not into boobs Might still be needed around. Wouldn't mind at all if Rummy's Huns Discovered someday soon they've become the ones Osama's going to make sure lose their buns. While they're still fooling around. * NY Times Editorial - 1/20/05 "The Price of Homophobia"
Music by Harry Warren;
Original Lyric by Al Dubin |
Intelligence never has been his forté He's a bonafide, genuine dummy. We're speaking this time of Dummy II The one most refer to as Rummy. The senile old man, well he's nearly my age, Succumbed to a bunch of sore losers, Misleading intelligence prevaricators, Notorious prisoner abusers, Sycophant generals protecting their turf, Ideologues with axes to grind, And big corporations too greedy for profits. No wonder he's constantly being maligned. But like J. Edgar Hoover he hangs on and hangs on Despite his ineptness and that of his crew. If he had the records to prove you went AWOL, Would you dare to fire him or try to make do? Bob Carlson |
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I'm called Donald Rummy-Dum, dastardly Rummy-Dum, Though I can't figure out why. But since I'm called Rummy-Dum, and that bastard Rummy-Dum, They're restricting what you see of I. For bad stuff can happen when you are caught nappin' Which somehow occurred on my watch – Inadequate toys for courageous young boys Who die while Bush scratches his crotch. It's a habit he's picked up from me as we stick up For the fiascos you've seen. Thank god that his FEMA's mistakes with Katrina Are upstaging what some find obscene. So you're stuck with old Rummy-Dum, dastardly Rummy-Dum Irregardless of how I've messed up. An alert FCC lets them only show me And the president from the waist up.
Music by Arthur Sullivan |
Junior's war in Iraq is frightful, And even to him not delightful, Yet Rummy still runs the show. Let him go, let him go, let him go. Our troops in Iraq are dying While Rummy is alibying That he really does love them so. Let him go, let him go, let him go. Since he wasn't prepared to fight, But like Cheney's afraid they've The Bomb, He's got us into this plight With no way to get out with aplomb. He's the damn fool Bush should be replacing, Who claims that he knows what they're facing Where he didn't dare to go. Make him go, Make him go, Make him go. Coda Since the war shows no signs of stopping And they both are still malapropping, Who are they trying to snow? Let them go, let them go, let them go.
Music by Jule Styne/Vaughn Monroe |
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Making long wars look temporary is a long shot we know. But a Gong Show mocking Kerry for a rationale? Hello? Fear you'd gild the lilly? Tony, au contraire – For Rummy's swan song a Cheney coronary! Why not start there?
Music & Original Lyric by Jack Judge & Harry Williams To 'Bushie's Rummy' |
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Why won't you listen, Rummy, when we say You've botched the war so badly, there's no way You could have done your part. You blew it from the start. Why Bush still trusts you after all these years Is real hard to say. Oh, Rummy Dummy, can't you hear our jeers As we're blown away? Monty Python Can't see we're dying. You're Ghenghis Khan? Are Humvees flying? How can you Be that mad When it is you who's bungled things so bad? Your time will come When you'll pay for it, When kingdom come Will fin'lly score it. You'll wish Cheney'd been drafted – That it was him, not us, That Wolfowitz shafted. Monty Python, Make Ghenghis Khan go way.
Music by Henry Creamer |
The U.S. Army is not a toy. No, old boy, not a toy To jeopardize and put at risk, And when asked about armor, reply, "Tsk, tsk; We employed what we had to deploy, killjoy." No, the U.S, Army is not, Definitely not a toy. The U.S. Army is not to be Used experimentally. And that is obviously what you did. So who do you think that you're able to kid As we witness you killing our boys? No, the U.S, Army is not, Definitely not a toy. It's a highly specialized fighting machine When used in the role it's designed for; And in the numbers required to succeed And retained for the times that troops signed for. No, the U.S, Army is not a toy, Not an old boy's Tinkertoy, To tinker with trying to tame on the cheap. If a family dog, you'd have been put to sleep. No, the U.S, Army is not, Definitely not your toy.
Music by Frank Loesser |
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There must be Many thousand generals Who could be showing me their loyalty. But only Peter Pace shows up; He's way the best at sucking up Which is how he got to lead my coterie. You may find Sev'ral others disagree With how we kill their men continu'lly. But lousy schemes suit Bushie's dreams And he's been quick to see That there will never be another me.
Music by Harry Warren |
Got my Cheney, Got his word, Four letters stating what has just occurred with Osama in the morning and Hussein at night. Still got Rummy, Had his boys, And the ability to make more noise about Osama in the morning and Hussein at night. Sunlight___ gives me a lot of grief. Moonlight___ should be a big relief. Got my Condi, Got her frown – Damn good reason to stay out of town with Osama in the morning still a pain at night.
Music by Irving Berlin |
"Pentagon seeks to expand its intelligence" A plan many millions will surely applaud. Rummy, the dummy, should be put out to pasture, As should his assistants by whom we've been scrod. "Pentagon seeks to expand its intelligence" Ban those with IQs below seventy-two. How many are left? Not all that many, And not a one of that Neocon crew. "Pentagon seeks to expand its intelligence" Abort anti-missiles and their cock and bull. Scrap fuzzy satellite photos for Powell. And forget sleepless nights fearing what they will pull. "Pentagon seeks to expand its intelligence" All the world wonders why it didn't before, Proving again that it takes one to know one, That an MGM lion only knows how to roar. Bob Carlson |
Wolfowitz and Feith plan more deceits. Rummy gives his senile OK. Honesty has never been on their rap sheets Truth is not the Pentagon's way. They tried this before but got shot down, Falsifying news to the world; But got into the habit and kept it up, Knitting when they should have purled. Trouble is they, too, believed their lies. Couldn't tell the truth from what's not. Anyone but Bush would recognize The mess that Rummy's liars wrought. Now as if that wasn't bad enough, Deceit machines are picking up speed. Whoever thought they'd shut them down misspoke. More deceit has been decreed.
Music by Jay Gorney |
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Won't the NRA adore you, Rummy-dum? Don't control who gets those weapons? Too hum drum? Can't appear to be too nosey? Who'd shoot off my head or toesy? Still I think I might just mosey, Rummy-dum. "Guns are not the killers", Rummy, so who is? How'll you know if regist'ring them's not your biz? No one said record each number? Let administrators slumber? Unaccounted for outnumber? End of quiz.
Music by Karl Hoschner |
In prior wars each fight was won by troops, each one of whom packed a gun, But Rummy "knows" That won't be how it goes. The high tech gadgets, that will ratchet up his budget and not just slowly nudge it, Rummy "knows" Will keep Bush on his toes. Missile defense and stealth offense to fight insurgents never made much sense, But, It's no skin off his nose, If those troops today, That he dupes today, Need much more today Than "what for?" today, And "Back up today, We'll pack up some day and go." So though it sounds unpatriotic, We agree that it's idiotic To retain the idiot who "knows" "More than a world of silly so and sos."
Music by Cole Porter |
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Once I was the Secretary of Defense Having a fabulous time. Then I went and tried my new offense, Thinking I was in my prime. I committed too few troops to war; Planned to nickel and dime. But Iraq insurgents gave me what for, Proving I am past my prime. Never saw the need for armored cars, Letting troops get maimed in Humvees, Like those owned by Hollywood stars. Aren't they from the same pod of peas? Tried to field their questions with ad libs. Should have played that act as a mime. Even Junior recognized my fibs. Guess I'm merely marking time.
Music by Jay Gorney |
Golly, goodness gracious, oops. How'll I come up with the troops that little Georgie's prob'ly gonna need? If ev'ry two years he attacks without assessing all the facts, a mandatory draft is guaranteed. He's antagonized the world; knitted when he should have purled. No other country wants to bail him out. And he will very shortly find he's gotten himself in a bind where he and we no longer have much clout. Iran will do just as it pleases and say, "To hell with Bush and Jesus. We'll make any kind of bomb we want." North Korea won't malinger. They'll give little George the finger and say come and get us, dilettante. And that's exactly what he'll be, all because of stubborn me, who convinced him we'd get by with fewer. A smart bomb here; a smart bomb there; Pat Robertson will say a prayer for Bush, the pursue-ee, not the pursuer. Bob Carlson |
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So many are missing out now When we could be teaching them how To tell by the looks in insurgents eyes Which despise and hate Gis. So why are they so slow to sign? We assure them most bombs are benign, And the reason they're there Is that George in his prayer Failed to say, " Those are theirs; these are mine." * The Washington Post - 2/21/05 "Army Having Trouble Meeting Reruiting Goals'"
Music by Will M. Hough & Frank R. Adams To 'Policies - Quitting Iraq' To 'Reviving The Draft' |
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He said the war would last a short time, And he's the one who's paid to know. But what the hell, It's not gone well – Bushie, he's lost Round 3. Lots of us know it's not the first time He should've gotten a heave-ho. In eighty-three He made his plea, "Saddam, help Ron and me." Bushie, Saddam used him and confused him – Conned Ronnie's Rummy. Why do we still not see The risks of arming Gangs he thinks of as salvation Armies, Waiting till they, praying that they, Bail him out, Bushie? How could you encore That quack in Iraq Knowing how he scored before?
Music by George Gershwin |
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His "hot little hands" don't have a clue About who'll try to blow up who, Who they are, or how many – I bet that's worth a pretty penny. How many billions? Glad you asked, But will the truth then be unmasked? Bush requested eighty-two, Yet neither knows who'll blow up who. Or more precisely, it's safe to assume, Neither one knows who'll blow up whom. As a matter of fact they may never know How long a row they've started to hoe. But with eighty-two bills some say it will show How much you can blow on how little you know. Plus history books will have shown they own The legacy of the rows they've hoen. * Rummy - 2/16/05 Testimony before House Armed Services Committee Bob Carlson To 'Policies - Deficits' To 'Policies - Security' |
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Bush and Cheney think their wars are so much fun, But I'm the fool who has to try to get them done. It's tough enough with two, but they want three – Oh, woe is me. My big mistakes was waking up and hanging 'round. I knew I should've just retired and hunkered down, But egocentric fools can't let it be – Oh, woe is me. He says God let him see That wars like his could be Fought with a bare minimum of arms; And Wolfie, don't you know, Bragged they will love us so That we could win just using Cheney's charms. I'm so upset about the news that we could lose Despite our all-star cast of crony ingenues, That they will soon be short one retiree, No-ta-bly me. One "bungling, aging, sleepy" retiree – Who'll go is me.
Music & Original Lyric by Don Gibson |
Re-enlist in Rummy's army? Sign up for another stint? That they don't won't bother Rummy. Very few read the fine print That says he can at his discretion Extend the length of time they'll serve. Sign up once; you're his forever. Hardly what our boys deserve. What is Rummy's explanation? What the hell is his excuse? "Golly, sometimes bad stuff happens. I can't afford to turn them loose. Who'd have thought we'd need so many? That we'd need them for this long? Gee whilikers, just ask Bush Junior. My boys and me can do no wrong." Bob Carlson |
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The great General Patton could have been battin' much higher, but, like Rummy and Dummy, he blew it. He went with the Sherman, no match for the German who'd fire like a hot knife through butter in to it. Its thin armor plating couldn't stop penetrating German tank shells from making them 'Ronsons'. One hit, they'd be flaming and horribly maiming their crews like those chickens at Swansons'. Pershings could have been his to give Germans the business without the attrition in Shermans. Was he really a fool? How could he "Be Cool" without help from a few Uma Thurmans? You would hope they'd have learned since Patton got burned, but they didn't as witness Iraq. They did well with the Abrams, but Rummy's dumb chums decided they'd won and cut back. They switched to Humvees which, against IEDs, lack the armor to protect our troops. Yet we've got APCs here in our armories, and all Rummy offers is "Oops…"? * Armchair General - March 2005 Col. (Ret) John Antal - "The Strength of Our Steel" Bob Carlson |
Sunnis, yesterday your lives were filled with pain. Sunnis, remember who was causing it: Hussein. So the fighting is done And your freedom is near – Now anyone Can scoff up a beer. Who brought this to you? Bush loves you. Sunnis, thank you for inspiring my VP. Sunnis, thank you for no WMD. Your denial was great – You had the fool fooled, Obsessed with his hate, He virtually drooled. Sunnis, who loves you? W. Sunnis, thank you for the opportunity. Sunnis, thank you; you've recharged my GOP. You were easily found Unlike that other bum, Who is somewhere around Making Rummy look dumb. Sunnis, who loves you? W.
Music by Bobby Hebb |
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Ashcroft says "I am the law! So what applies to Him? We don't like theirs? We make our own! We're clever cherubim. "We're both opposed to torture unless Bush feels the need to In which case he's covered by new rules we've both agreed to. "We've taken showers together. We've seen men in the nude. As Rummy's photos clearly show, John Ashcroft is no prude." Except, these rules don't cover statues of whom he's often dreamt, As Congress will discover as they cite him for contempt. So did Bush give the order, or let Ashcroft set the tone, Permitting Rummy's generals to quietly condone The nakedness, the excess stress, the leashes we abhor, To try to find excuses for his "legal" little war? Bob Carlson |
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This is Rummy's army, Mrs. Jones, Stripped down to skeletons and bones. You saw your husband not too long before They shipped him off to even Bush's score. This is Rummy's army, Mrs. Smith, When will he be home? Bush takes The Fifth. Your kids saw their daddy when he left for war, But who will be their daddy when it's o'er? Who put such dummys in command? There's so much about war they don't understand. This is Rummy's army, Mrs. Brown, Waiting for tax cuts to trickle-down. Pray that armor plating reaches him before All that's left of Brown is blood and gore. This is Rummy's army, Mrs. Green. When they signed him up you were sixteen. He's been gone so long it won't be long before You'll be a childless wife of thirty-four. * The New York Times - 5/30/05 Paul Krugman - "Too Few, Yet Too Many"
Music & Original Lyric by Irving Berlin To 'Policies - Quitting Iraq' |
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Understandable? Of course we knew. Understandable? That war you threw. Why it took so long for Bush to see Rummy treachery's a mystery. Never before Has someone been more Uninformable The way Bush is. How could he buy Your gee whiz biz? That's why, Rummy, it's despicable You, who seemed to him amicable, Sold out to that Islamicable crew.
Music & Original Lyric by Irving Gordon |
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What an issue our votes raised. We discovered who cowers When support for him sours Near the end of his reign. Yesterday was a blue day, A who gets rid of who day, A who else is overdue day In the Bush checkout line. What a diff'rence a day makes When you're changing your story. Had you changed it before, he Might have made your day red, Instead. But thank heaven you waited Till we voters upgraded Congressmen implicated. Now our issue is you.
Music by Maria Grever To 'Bushie's Rummy' |
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What's going to become of Rum-Dummy? Is it true that he knew the amount That he'd need for scrappin' where bad stuff could happen Should be stated in terms of a count Of heads, not of feet, which is a deceit With results so predictably grim? That incredible gaffe by him and his staff No doubt is the the reason insurgents still laugh And means from the start he's been short by a half – What will have happened to him?
Music & Original Lyric by Noel Coward |
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Widow Withington Weighs In On Rummy The widow Mrs. Jeremiah Withington III E-mails that she is agitated by reports she's heard. How could the Donny that she knows have bollixed up the war? He'd seemed like such a harmless lad in nineteen forty-four. She does, of course, recall he wouldn't bell the fam'ly cat, Though "Bird Shot" was the one those Audubons were angry at. Could that have been a foretaste of his attitude towards life? But who'd take notice if he seemed abusive to his wife? Yet times have changed a lot and what was hushed up way back then Can now command the front page of The Times, then CNN. If Jeremiah Aloysius witnessed this portrayal, She's quite convinced that he'd react with more than mere e-mail. His influence with mucky-mucks was such they'd quickly see The need to squelch the slander hurting Donny's coterie. How horrible to live one's life according to the book And then be tarred and feathered by a Donny donnybrook. Bob Carlson |